Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
