and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
