I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
