Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
