I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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