I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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