These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
