Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
