just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
