I'm eating all of the evidence.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
