If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't turn off my feet"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
