My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
