ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dick very happy bro
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
