im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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