Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
