So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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