Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
