i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
