Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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