We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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