I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
