She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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