I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
