Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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