Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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