I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
