Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
