it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
