I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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