I puked a lego.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
