Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
