Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
