some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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