I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
