You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
