is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Boobs are out for the taking
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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