Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i now understand why vodka
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
