News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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