he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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