Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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