Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
