We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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