The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Someone shattered a urinal.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
