Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
