Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
