can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
