Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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