I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
