bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
