Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
