If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Someone signed my nipple.
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