my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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