its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
PANTIES FOUND
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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