This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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