Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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